The Green Slime (review by Doug Smith)
Rumored to be the first official Japanese-American co-production – a union that would later give us such gems as “Godzilla 1985” – “The Green Slime” only reminds us of just how badly the two cultures clash. Although, I suppose it’s better than if it had been an American only production. Look at how we butchered “Godzilla.” The aforementioned “Godzilla 1985” was infinitely better than the brainless, uncreative sludge that Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich spewed forth onto the silver screen last summer. But I digress. “The Green Slime” is simply a really bad monster movie.
Have you ever seen a Gerry and Sylvia Anderson show? You know, the ones with incredibly spooky looking marionettes that have snazzy catchphrases like, “Thunderbirds are GO!” Well, as disturbing as it may be, Jack Rankin, the main character of this movie, looks like one of those marionettes. The only difference is the puppets are more expressive. He’s played by Robert Horton, who was also in the show “Wagon Train.” No, I’m not going to make a “hearing Whos” comment. It’s too easy. Richard Jaeckel plays oh-so-macho space station commander, Vince Elliot. Luciana Paluzzi plays Lisa Benson, the meat in a love triangle sammich. And, finally, Ted Gunther, who has a constant bitter beer face, plays Dr. Halverson.
Acid flashback, here we come. The movie begins with a psychedelic rock theme song, sung by someone who sounds like Meatloaf on laxatives. “Is it just something in your head?” he asks. “Would you believe it when you’re DEAD? GREEEEEEEEEEN SLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!” Let me tell you, he really rocks the house. Yes sir, you’ll be headbanging the night away with this rock anthem. And the guitar riffs … oh, those guitar riffs. Some of them put Jimmy Hendrix to shame. No, not Jimi Hendrix. Jimmy Hendrix. Some guy in a local band. Plays guitar pretty well.
Oh, I suppose you’re wondering just what the hell the movie is all about. Fine, I’ll tell you. Happy? Well, basically, a big ol’ asteroid is about to destroy Earth. Now we know where “Armageddon” stole the idea from! Unlike “Armageddon,” however, some people from a space station go and plant some dynamite on the asteroid and it’s destroyed about 15 or 20 minutes into the movie. Unfortunately, one of the members of the crew that was sent to the asteroid unknowingly brings back a little souvenir on his space jumpsuit. Either that or someone sneezed.
When the laundry guy throws the jumpsuit into the decontamination chamber – because there may have been radiation on the asteroid, you know – the green stuff starts to bubble and ooze and a rubbery, one-eyed, tentacled monster is born. When the laundry guy returns to the chamber, he falls victim to the monster’s power of electricity and is charred beyond recognition.
Upon finding the corpse and the monster, the crew of the space station immediately starts firing their lasers at the beast. Unbeknownst to them, each drop of blood from the alien will mutate into a new alien if it is exposed to electricity. Soon enough, the space station is overrun with high-pitched, squealing rubber monster suits with midgets inside.
Even though the acting was terrible and the effects were sophomoric, the beginning of this movie is rather fun. It gets a little boring towards the middle when everyone is frantically running around, trying to figure out how to defeat the aliens. This one just barely gets 2 1/2 yaks, with the deciding factor being the unintentionally hilarious theme song.