Fantastic Voyage (review by Doug Smith)

“Fantastic Voyage” is an exciting film, which follows the adventures of a miniaturized submarine and crew through a woman’s body, in an attempt to locate the infamous “G-Spot.” Wait … no … I’m thinking of something else. This movie is about a miniaturized sub and crew going through a scientist’s body, in an attempt to save his life. Pfft. What a waste of time.
Stephen Boyd, who has the largest chin butt in recorded history, plays security agent, Grant. Raquel Welch’s breasts give an astounding performance as Cora Peterson’s breasts. Donald Pleasance, the lisping Englishman, plays Dr. Michaels. Arthur O’Connel, who nobody really wanted to see in a wet suit, plays Dr. Duval. And, finally, William Redfield stars as the wormy Captain Bill Owens.
The film opens with a brilliant scientist getting off of a plane and entering a car. Exciting, huh? They get a few miles down the road and BLAM! some people try to assassinate the scientist, who happens to look like Hitler. I suspect the hitmen just got confused between the two. At any rate, they manage to harm the scientist enough to cause a blood clot in his brain, which throws him into a coma. The credit sequence follows, with lots of Flash Gordon noises and credits being typed on Hitler’s head. How rude.
Enter, the military. They want to save Hitler’s brain, but to do so, they have to shrink a submarine and crew. The crew cosists of Captain Bill Owens, Dr. Duval, Dr. Michaels, Cora Peterson (medical technician) and, since the military suspects Dr. Duval of trying to sabotage the mission, security agent Grant. Grant, played by Stephen Boyd, has, not only a very large chin butt, but reservations about being shrunk. Especially after he finds out they only have a 60 minute time frame to get shrunk, enter the body, fix the problem and get out before antibodies start attacking. Against his better judgement, he decides to do it.
Let the fun begin. In the biggest lackluster special effects sequence since this summer’s “Godzilla,” the shrinking process takes place. First they shrink the sub and the crew. They then place them into a large syringe, which is also shrunk. They apparently don’t realize cold water has the same effect. Right, guys?
Onward, to the carotid artery! Actually, it’s more like the inside of a lava lamp, but you have to use your imagination. They begin to make their trek to the human mind, but, unfortunately, the scientist’s body has other ideas, and a tiny hole causes a whirlpool which pulls the sub into the jugular vein, throwing them completely off course. They used a better term than “tiny hole” in the movie, but I can’t, for the life of me, remember what is was, let alone how to spell it. After that, they encounter mishap after mishap, some of which are caused by a saboteur, but not the one they suspected. As if it isn’t obvious by the time the first 20 minutes of the film go by. Will they succeed? Will they start growing too soon? Will the saboteur be stopped? Will I ever get done with this review? Yup. I give it three yaks.