The Girl in Lovers Lane (review by Doug Smith)

The cover of this manic depressive little movie claims that it’s a “Biker and Bad Girl Gem,” even though it doesn’t have much to do with bad girls and even less to do with bikers. The only thing remotely bad girlish about the whole thing is the local whorehouse, in a town that seems to have a total of about 50 people living there. As for bikers, maybe they’re referring to one scene in which you can almost make out the shadow of a bicycle in a back alley. Anyway, the movie basically revolves around the misadventures of drifters Danny and Big Stupid.
Lowell Brown plays Danny, the spoiled little rich kid who doesn’t get his way at home, so he decides to run away, which, now that I think about it, is basically the description of every person that’s ever been on MTV’s “The Real World.” Selette Cole shakes her fanny as Peggy. The very creepy Jesse is played by Jack Elam, who later went on to be in many westerns, in which he played pretty much the same character. Brett Halsey plays Danny’s new best friend Bix (Big Stupid … you’ll get the joke after you watch it). And Joyce Meadows plays Carrie, who’s so very.
The first thing we see is Danny running like a little pansy away from a couple of thugs. He manages to lose them for all of about five seconds, during which time he throws his wallet onto a nearby train car, where a guy with dirty shoes and very veiny hands picks it up. Danny then proceeds to get his butt kicked in typical preppy boy fashion … one little slap and he passes out. Finding no wallet, the thugs leave and pretty soon the veiny-handed guy hops out and loads Danny onto his train car.
After the credits, Danny wakes up in the train car by the varicose guy. Varicose Guy says he’ll give Danny enough money to get home, but Danny’s not going home. And thus, a grand friendship is born. “What’s your name, kid?” “Danny. Danny Winslow.” “Big Stupid.” I SWEAR that’s what he says.
Big Stupid wants to sleep, but Danny wants to talk. They form a little partnership and Danny finally agrees to go to sleep. He all but snuggles up to Big Stupid, even though he’s got the whole entire opposite end of the train car to sleep in.
The train slows down and they wake up and hop out right away, to avoid being picked up by the cops when the train stops. Never mind that they continue walking right next to the train and into the train yard. They hitch a ride with a truck driver and find out they’re going to “Sherman. A nice little town.” Just then we see a woman’s ass shaking to music. Yup, a real nice place to bring your kids up.
Enter Carrie and Peggy. Carrie works in her dad’s restaurant and Peggy drinks malts. They talk about getting fat and boys and stuff until Jesse (Jack Elam) walks in, who looks like he’s covered in grease. Carrie gives him the list her dad wants him to do and he stares at her. “Jesse, I’m talking to you.” “I know. I just like to look at ya.” I bet that’s how George W. Bush met his wife.
Danny and Big Stupid arrive at the restaurant, where Johnny, the town pimp is working. He doesn’t hit it off very well with the drifter duo, so he makes Carrie wait on them. It’s love at first site for Carrie and Big Stupid. Then there’s a time hiccup and Big Stupid starts to say something and then suddenly he’s eating a hamburger. After the meal, one of Johnny’s whores starts to put the moves on Danny, who acts like he’s already having an orgasm. Meanwhile, Big Stupid is putting the moves on Carrie and you can tell she’s already dreaming about having their own house with a couple of Little Stupids running around. They make a date and Big Stupid realizes that Danny is about to make a purchase, so he comes to his rescue. He calls Danny “Tiger” and Danny says, “They’re GRRREAT!” Well, no, he didn’t, but it would’ve been kind of funny if he had.
Big and Danny get a room (with only one bed) and Danny is convinced that Sadie (the whore) is really a nice, honest girl, who just happens to be attracted to him. He IS a tiger, after all. Big Stupid tells him no once again and Danny, who’s still oblivious to the world around him, still isn’t convinced.
Big Stupid gets bored waiting until 8:00 when he’s supposed to pick Carrie up, so he and Danny go to check out the action in town, which ends up consisting of about two or three guys playing pool at a pool hall, all of which are obviously bad dudes. Danny basically announces to the whole place that he’s got money. “COULD YOU BREAK A FIFTY PLEASE!” Big Stupid starts playing pinball when the local hoodlums (that’s what they called them back then, you know) start to pick on them. Big Stupid tells them to blow, so they kneel down and … oh … wait. They leave, but tell the duo they’ll be waiting.
Big Stupid and Danny head outside and are followed by the hoodlums. Instead of just walking straight back to their hotel, they go down an alley. They don’t call him Big Stupid for nothing. The inevitable fight happens. Big Stupid kicks ass, and Danny … well … Danny looks like he’s trying to do something else involving ass. You’ll have to watch it to see for yourself.
The movie goes on with Danny whining and Big Stupid being stupid and eventually Carrie (who’s so very) gets killed by Jesse, which is surprising, because don’t most girls want to be Jesse’s Girl? Yes, I’m cutting this review short. I could go on, but “The Brak Show” is about to start on the Cartoon Network and everybody loves Brak! I give this movie one yak.