Humanoid Woman (review by Doug Smith)

Those of you who read Butch’s review of “Fugitive Alien” know who Sandy Frank is. That’s right, he’s the simple-minded, mentally disturbed moron who takes crappy foreign movies, dubs them badly, and releases them on video here in the States. “Humanoid Woman,” I’m sorry to say, is one of those movies. And I sat through it. Twice. I hurt. Oh, god, I hurt. Anyhoo, this here little piece of cinematic mold was made in Russia. After watching this movie, it’s easy to understand why that particular country is in economic danger today.
The movie starts off with a couple of Russian astronauts coming across a ransacked alien laboratory in space. In a “weightless” sequence, which was quite obviously simply filmed under water, the Russians find a still living alien who looks like Sinead O’Connor. They bring her on board, and, thankfully she doesn’t touch herself. She does, however, burn a picture of Gorbachev.
The head scientist/astronaut guy decides to take her home for studying and, on their way to his house, she becomes deeply disturbed by grass. She gets her nerve up and … well … honestly, I’m not quite sure what the hell she does to get across the grass … float? Hover? I don’t know. All I know is, it looks pretty damn goofy. She gets inside the scientist’s house, which even has a Rosie the Robot mock-up, and promptly makes herself at home.
Over the course of the next few weeks, the scientist teaches the alien english and tries to help her get her memory back, the Frugal Gourmet stops by, the alien does acrobatics in a field of marigolds, some harpsichord music plays, and the alien is frightened by a thunderstorm. Yes sir, none stop action in this moving picture, I tell ya what.
In one of the more pointless scenes – not that this movie isn’t ENTIRELY pointless – the scientist’s son is overly enthused by a watermelon and throws it at the alien, who uses her special powers to stop it in mid-air. It then falls to the ground, making a big, sticky mess, which Rosie the Robot sucks up with her butt. No, I don’t have a reason as to why I wrote this paragraph, but, apparently, the film makers didn’t have a reason as to why the scene was there.
Eventually, it’s discovered that a portion of the alien’s brain allows her to be controlled by a really, really obnoxious sound. Not quite as bad as Hanson, but, still, pretty bad. We wouldn’t really need to know this at this particular stage of the movie, but the makers decided to throw it up right there anyway.
A little later on, we actually see the beginnings of an actual plot! The alien is hanging out with some dirty Russian guys at an archaeological dig for some unknown reason, and she sees an interview with some people from her planet on TV. Her memory almost immediately returns to her and she exclaims, “The telephone is ringing. I will have to go back immediately.”
She stealthily boards the next vessel en route to her planet, and, once they get there, loads of fun ensues. In on the laugh-fest are wise, old guys who look like goats, circus midgets who want to rule the planet, and a big ol’, moving pile of raw sewage. Fun for the whole family! I give this one a half-yak for effort.