Titanic (review by Doug Smith)
It is now time for the MAIN … EVENT! Accidentally released to coincide with the HBO premiere of this movie, I present to you my highly anticipated review of “Titanic,” which probably isn’t any better or special than any other review I’ve done so far. The only reason I watched this movie is because bigstar.com was offering it free with a purchase of over $15. And, since I was going to get a movie anyway, I figured I might as well take ’em up on the offer. I sure as hell wasn’t going to pay for it. At any rate, if it weren’t for that offer, I probably would never have seen it. And I would’ve been a better person. It really disturbs me how much teenage girls can influence a nation. Not only a nation, but also the friggin’ Academy Awards. You’d think they’d at least try to have some taste. But, no, they decided to give this completely average movie the most coveted award in the entertainment industry. Although, it was rather fulfilling to see Leonardo DiCrappio’s lifeless, frozen body sink to the bottom of the ocean. Anyway, the movie is about a budding romance aboard the Titanic. Like you all didn’t know that.
Leonardo DiCaprio stars as Jack Dawson, the young rogue who steals the heart of a rich girl. Why do people find him so attractive? I mean, obviously, I’m no stud muffin myself, but Leo looks like a runaway Keebler Elf. Kate Winslet, who looked as though she was going to get up and kick Helen Hunt’s ass when she lost to her at the Academy Awards, plays Rose De Witt Bukater. Billy Zane, who gave an oh-so-astounding performance in “The Phantom,” is Cal Hockley. Kathy Bates, who seems to have eaten a few too many fried green tomatoes, plays Molly Brown. And, finally, Frances Fisher plays Rose’s mom, who’s basically just like any tourist in Door County.
The movie starts off with a research crew going deep into the ocean to find Gamera. No, wait, that was the last movie I did. This time they’re looking at the Titanic. Some weird, unshaven guy talks to a video camera, while a furry, pudgy guy who looks like Harry Knowles watches him. Then, they use a mechanical device that goes on board to look for a diamond. “Somebody left the water running!” the pudgy guy says, as they happen across a bathtub. A-hyuck! He made a funny! They find a safe, which they bring on board and open up. Inside, they find a bunch of highly concentrated Tang and a picture of a nude lady wearing the diamond they’re looking for, but not the actual diamond itself.
Now we go to some old lady’s house, and she’s like, “Ask me about my grandchildren!” Then she watches some TV and it just so happens that the guys doing the research on the Titanic are on it. She calls ’em up on the phone, ’cause they’re apparently listed right in the yellow pages or something, and tells them she’s the one in the picture. They fly her out to the ship and once again she says, “Ask me about my grandchildren!” But the crew of the ship wants to get right down to business, so they show her some things they discovered, like a mirror and her superfly ‘fro pick. She then sits down and begins telling them the story of the Titanic. And here we go with a flashback that lasts THREE DAMN HOURS!
As the flashback begins, some music that sounds like it was performed on a Casio keyboard starts to play and there’s some people gawking at the gigantic ship. Then some rich people arrive in one of them fancy horseless carriages. Out pops Rose, who’s wearing the grandest hat of all, then her fiance, Cal, then her mom, who must’ve killed a harpy to get a giant feather for her big, puffy, Russian-type hat. They board the ship, then we flash to Jack Dawson, who’s playing a poker game and ends up winning two tickets for the Titanic, which he shares with his French friend.
The ship begins its ill-fated journey – how often have you heard that phrase in the past year and a half? – and Jack and his French pal run around like a couple of morons. Not too big of a stretch for the actors, I’m sure. They run to the ship’s bow and Jack gets in a very … well … awkward position behind his friend and starts shouting for joy. No comment.
Now we go to Rose and her mom and some rich friends, all sitting around and discussing the ship. That’s basically what most of the movie is. If the scene isn’t about Rose and Jack falling in love, it’s a bunch of people sitting around, talking about the ship. And that’s how it won the Oscar … in some way that I haven’t quite figured out just yet.
Anyway, a few minutes later, Jack first sets his eyes on Rose and, for the first time in his life, he has thoughts about the opposite sex.
Later on, at the dinner table, Rose has a bit of a spaz – perhaps because they were serving potatoes instead of stuffing – and goes running out of the dining room and down to the aft, where she tries to jump off the ship and end herself. Unfortunately for us viewers, Jack steps in and saves her life. He tells her a little bit of his life story … that he’s from Wisconsin (PACKERS! WOOO!) and that he used to go fishing on Lake Wissota … a manmade lake that wasn’t dug until about five years after the Titanic sank. Way to research, Cameron!
The next two hours of the movie basically consists of what I said above; some people talk about the Titanic and Rose and Jack fall for each other. Jack eats dinner with the rich people and Rose parties with the poor people. Rose gets nekkid for Jack, Jack gets traumatized. And then the Titanic hits the iceberg and sinks and there ya go. Aww, darn, I ruined the ending for you.
Firstly, what the bloody hell is so damned great about this movie? I admit, it wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be, but it certainly isn’t anything to write home to mother about. Sure, the history is neat, and some of the special effects are kind of cool, but, all in all, it was really completely average. Also, whoever says DiCrappio and Winslet are good actors, needs to get off the trendy, redrum heroin. “What were some other things you didn’t like, Mr. Smith?!” Well, thank you for asking! I didn’t like the fact that, on the night the ship went down, people were walking around the deck with short sleeves and seemed to be completely warm. And let’s not forget the scene where Rose frees Jack from handcuffs with an ax. They spend god only knows how long in the same water that later kills thousands of people, and only once do we hear Jack say how cold it is. I give it 2 ½ yaks. An average rating for an average movie.