Steel (review by Doug Smith)

“Steel” is an incredibly horrid, brainless, amazingly stupid, idiotic waste of celluloid that was apparently thought up by an equally brainless and desperate studio exec who got the idea while drinking a six-pack of Schlitz and watching a Lakers game. It basically revolves around a not-so-bright military weapons specialist, who can’t make free throws, trying to get the weapons he helped create off of the streets. Packed with snappy Ebonics catch-phrases and failed attempts at humor, this movie is something to stay far, far away from. After watching this film, I cried for several hours, and then ripped the tape out of the cassette and lit fire to it, while dancing naked in an ancient voodoo ritual, meant to curse Shaquille O’Neal for the rest of his living years.
The movie stars Shaqulle O’Neal, who not only isn’t the greatest basketball player, but also, most definitely isn’t the greatest actor. I know, I know, I shouldn’t expect Oscar-winning performances from a professional basketball player, but he could’ve at least tried to act, instead of sitting there through the whole movie with a “Duuuuh, I make money for this” look on his face. Incidentally, Shaq was nominated for the 1998 Razzie Award for worst actor. However, Shaq’s not the only person to stink up the screen in this festering pile of motion picture poopy. Also in on the fun is Annabeth Gish, who plays Sparky, a wheelchair ridden computer genius, who always falls for Shaq’s “pull my finger” jokes. Richard Roundtree, who’s a sex machine to all the chicks, plays Uncle Joe, the nineties version of Fred Sanford. Irma P. Hall plays Grandma Odessa, a woman that could probably kick my ass with ease. And, finally, Ray Jay Norwood plays Martin, Shaq’s little brother. Seeing as how Ray is so hip and with the times, he was simply credited as “Ray J.” for this movie. Man, that brutha rulez.
The film opens with Shaq, who’s a weapons creator for the army, demonstrating some of his new, non-killing weapons for a Senator, even though they haven’t been thoroughly tested. The Senator is impressed, but becomes even more impressed when Nathaniel Burke, who’s played by the guy who did Hot Rod’s voice in “Transformers: The Movie,” tells her that they’re even more powerful than Shaq is letting on. In order to prove it to her, Nate takes over on the next test and cranks the weapon’s setting up to high. He fires and consequently blows holes in the side of a building, kills the Senator and paralyzes Sparky, Shaq’s best friend. All that and he only gets dismissed from the army. Uh-huh.
You know what? That should be enough information for you to know that you should stay the hell away from this movie, unless you’re very, very masochistic. Even then, don’t give the makers of this movie the satisfaction of having you watch it. I’ll just say that Shaq quits the army and goes back to L.A. and the Transformers guy starts selling the weapons to street gangs. And then I’ll say that this movie is, by far, one of the most evil things unleashed upon the world. It has me hoping the NBA lockout goes on forever. Although, that would mean the basketball players would have to make more movies, in order the supplement their income. Heaven forbid! Hurry the hell up, NBA! This one gets a moldy yak turd, right on top of Shaq’s big, fat, bald head.